Friday, February 17, 2012

Eddie Izzard and the Death Star Canteen

For that must have been a death star canteen yeah, there must have been a cafeteria downstairs.

In between battles where darth Vader just chill and go down,

"I'll have the penne ala arrabiata"

"You'll need a tray"

"Do you know who I am?"


"Do you know who I am?"

"This is not a game of who the fuck are you, for I am Vader, darth Vader, Lord Vader, I can kill you with a single thought."

"Well you'll still need a tray"

"No I will not need a tray; I do not need a tray to kill you. I can kill you without a tray with the power of the force which is strong within me even though I could kill you with a tray if I so wish, for I will hack your neck with the thin bit until the blood flow upon the canteen"

"Now the food is hot, you'll need a tray to put the food on"

"OH I see the food is hot, I'm sorry I did not realize haha..Ah haha...Oh tray for the..Yes I thought you were challenging me to a fight to the death"

"fight to a death? I...this is canteen...I work here"

"Yes but i'm Vader, I'm Lord Vader? Everyone challenges me to a fight to a death. Lord Darth Vader? I'm Darth Vader? Lord Sir Lord Vader? Sir Lord Darth Vader? Lord Darth sir Lord, Lord Vader of chim? Sir Lord bound vaderham? The death star? I run the death star?"

"What's a death star?"

"This is the death star, you're in the death star, I run this star"


"This is a star?"

"This is a fucking star, I run it, I'm your boss"

"You're Mister Stevens?"

"No I'm, who's mister Stevens?"

"His head of catering"

"I'm not head of catering, I am Vader I can kill catering with a thought"

"wha?"

"I can kill you all, I can kill me with a thought, Just fuck I'll get a tray, fuck it. This one is wet and this one is wet and this one is wet. This one is wet this one is wet. Did you dry this in a rainforest? Why...with the power of the deathstar we do not have a tray that is fucking dry I do not- No no no, I was here first"

"You'll have to follow the queue if you want food, erm can I have a..oh penne ala arrabiata be very nice..''

"no no no, do you know who I am?"

"That's Jeff Vader that is"

"I'm not Jeff Vader, I'm darth Vader. What Jeff Vader runs the death star? No Jeff..NO I run the deathstar.."


"you Jeff Vader?"

"No I'm darth Vader"

"OH you're his brother, can you get his autograph?"

"I can't get his..No I'm Jeff..alright im Jeff Vader"

"can I have your autograph?"

"NO fuck off, or I’ll kill you with a tray, give me penne ala arrabiata or you'll shall die and you and everyone in this canteen, death by tray it shall be"

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